Woman Trouble
by PrincessKatralla
Summary: Harvey has been busy inside Crichton's head.


                                                                        **WOMAN TROUBLE**

**DISCLAIMER:**    All the usual disclaimers apply here.

**SUMMARY:**         Harvey has been busy inside Crichton's head.  Please read and review.  All constructive comments greatly appreciated.  Hope it makes you smile.

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Crichton rubbed his eyes, hard, for the second time.  Nope, she was still there.  What the Frell?  She was an unusual looking woman by any standards, and that was putting it mildly.  Crichton looked at her more closely.  She was leaning up against the wall in his chamber, ankles crossed, smoking a cigarette in a long holder.  She didn't seem to see him.  He studied her some more.  Her figure was all Fifties curves; Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield, but the clothes were absolutely and definitively Eighties.  Madonna in style, all torn lace and cheap, tacky jewellery.  Her sandy blonde hair was in two pigtails with cute plastic bobbles on the ends, reminiscent of a schoolgirl.  It was her face that intrigued Crichton the most.  She looked overwhelmingly familiar, yet not like anyone he had ever known.  

After staring at her for several more microts he suddenly realised that it was her individual features that he recognised.  Her eyes had been the main clue; they were so like Aeryn's, deep blue, with the power to draw you in.  Her nose looked like Karen Shaw's, and the lips…Alex's.  And those were Caroline's ears, definitely Caroline's ears!  This was weird.  He was sure he could see some Cameron Diaz and a hint of Winona Ryder in there too.  She was like a Police Artist composite sketch.  She seemed to be made up of parts of various women that he had known, or fantasized about knowing! 

It suddenly occurred to him that the pigtails belonged to Lucy Walker.  He had been besotted with her when he was twelve, following her home from school every day, and sitting outside her house.  He had spent countless hours staring up at her bedroom window, until her dad had firmly, but politely, asked him to leave and stop bothering his daughter.

It was like someone had dredged this woman up from various pieces of all the memories of women in his head.  But who, and how?  The truth suddenly dawned…

"**HARVEY!  **Get your bony butt out here now!"  Crichton yelled.

Harvey appeared wearing a dark purple silk robe, with a gold 'H' monogram embroidered on the pocket.  He held a glass of brandy in one hand, and a hand-rolled Cuban cigar in the other.  He had a contented smile on his face.  

"Hello, John.  Admiring my handiwork I see.  As you can imagine I am very proud of her indeed."

"What the Hell are you up to?  You look like Hugh Hefner.  And I've told you before; no smoking in my head."

"Isn't it obvious what I'm up to John?  This is Ruby, my 'paramour'.  Haven't you been wondering where I've been lately?  I've been busy working on her.  It took a long time to get all the pieces right, but the results are impressive, I'm sure you'll agree.  She's my 'Magnum Opus'."

"Harvey, I hate to point out the obvious, but this is **my **mind here.  **MY **mind, not yours.  It's bad enough that you're in here.  It's cramped as it is.  You **cannot **bring guests in.  It's invitation only, get it?  A Private Member's Bar; strictly closed to visitors, tourists or Neural Clones of Neural Clones, or whatever the Frell she is!"

"She's a Neural Simulation John, a 'Companion Clone'.  You've been neglecting me somewhat of late, leaving me to my own devices.  I was 'bored rigid' as you like to say.  So I had a poke around in your subconscious to see how you used to occupy yourself.  Very dull, I must say.  I particularly didn't like the look of 'bowling'.  What **is **the point of that activity?  And as for your other Earth pastimes, well…  But then I discovered the ladies in your life.  What an eye-opener.  This thing called 'romance'.  You are a man of some considerable talents John.  I was very impressed, as were the ladies in question."

"You what?  You better not have been looking at my memories of when I was… When I've been… God, Harvey, please tell me you haven't?  Please?"

"'Fraid so. 'Luscious Lips'!  I give you an eight out of ten for effort and a nine for technique.  That thing you do with…"

"**STOP!**  Shut up, Harvey!  That stuff is personal, private, not for you.  Keep outta my memories.  Damn, I need a lock on that door in my brain.  Is nothing sacred?  Will you just get rid of her, Harvey?  **NOW!  **  I'm busy and this is really distracting."

"Oh, come now John, don't be hasty.  I've linked her to your memories, via a Neural Interface.  She can provide you with direct physical stimulation.  She can reproduce any sensation that you have experienced before.  No mean feat, even if I do say so myself.  Anyway, enough of the chitchat, time for introductions.  Ruby Tuesday, I'd like you to meet my very close friend, Commander John Robert Crichton Jr."

"Ruby Tuesday?"

"Yes, John.  It's from one of the songs that you like to sing when you are in the shower."

"You accompany me into the shower?  I really…"

The Neural Simulation suddenly sparked into action, walking over to Crichton, hips swaying.  Crichton backed up to the wall.  She put her cigarette on the table and stepped right up to him, virtually nose to nose.

"Well hello, Commander."  She purred, sounding remarkably like Scarlett O' Hara, "What a pleasure to meet you.  Harvey has told me all about you.  I must say his description didn't do you justice.  You're an **extremely handsome man."**

She put a hand on either side of his face, and planting her lips firmly on his, kissed him passionately.  In a flash her hands slid down to his butt and squeezed, hard.  Crichton pushed her off and stepped back, wiping his lips across the back of his hand.  It was smeared with red lipstick.  

"Harvey, get her out of here, now."

"There's no need to be impolite John.  She was merely being friendly."

"Friendly?  No, that's not 'friendly'.  D'Argo is my friend; he does not **ever squeeze my butt.  And he certainly doesn't attempt to play tonsil hockey with me.  Now, this conversation is officially over, Dr Frankenstein.  Take your creation back to the lab before I send you back to the dumpster."**

"Well, okay John.  If you insist.  But she's very good company.  I'm sure we could come to some sort of arrangement.  A time-share option maybe?"

"Out now.  Or else…"

"Okay, okay, we're leaving.  We know when we're not wanted.  Goodbye John.  I'll be back to see you later.  I want to talk to you about 'Casanova' and 'Don Juan'.  I need more information, and your brain is so poorly organised that I can't seem to find it."

The Neural Simulation stepped forward again.

"'Bye Sugar, nice meeting you."  She said, batting her eyelashes.

Crichton blinked and they were gone.

"Thank Frell for that!"  Crichton said.

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Two solar days later Crichton was walking along Moya's corridor, whistling.  Harvey was nowhere to be seen and Crichton was really enjoying the peace and quiet.  There was only him and D'Argo on board.  Rygel and the girls were on a Commerce planet getting food and supplies.  He walked up to the door of his chamber and was surprised to find it closed; he was sure he had left it open.  Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that met his eyes.

Harvey and the Companion Clone were…

"Jesus, Harvey, no!  This is not funny."

"Ah John, good to see you.  You've come at a very opportune moment.  Ruby and I were trying to recreate the events of that long weekend you had in Malibu, in 1989.  With that girl, you remember, the one who slapped your face when you called her 'Barbie' by accident.  We were wondering, as we don't have any of that stuff you used could we substitute…"

"**NO!**"  Crichton yelled, "Do not say anything else.  This is freaking me out big time.  Will you stop messing with my head like this?  It's sick, Harvey.  And take off those damn…on second thoughts keep them on.  Just get out!"

"You really are uptight John.  Are you sure you don't want to spend some time with Ruby?  Relieve some tension?  Maybe a nice massage, or…?"

"For the last Frelling time; get rid of her.  And properly this time or I swear it'll be back in the dumpster again, only there will be rats in there with you.  I'm going to check on Pilot.  Be gone when I get back."

As he walked to the door Crichton jumped in shock as he felt teeth sinking into his butt.

"Grrrr Tiger, you are **HOT!**"  Said Ruby, licking her lips.

"I'm sorry John, but I seem to have lost control of her somewhat.  I'll do my best, but…"

She reached out her hand in the direction of Crichton's crotch and he turned and fled, running full pelt down Moya's corridor.  He spun around the corner, one hand still on his backside, which was throbbing like crazy.  He crashed straight into D'Argo, who was standing there, hands on hips, eyebrows raised.  Crichton's hand flew from his butt to his side and he tried to act naturally, which was difficult under the circumstances.  D'Argo looked at him quizzically.

"Don't ask D.  Just don't ask!  I don't think I could explain even if I wanted to.  Just put it down to 'woman trouble'."

Crichton walked off, leaving D'Argo standing there shaking his head.  

"But there are no females on board Moya at this time.  Humans!  Just when I think I'm starting to understand him…  I give up."

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"He'll come around to the idea, Ruby.  Just wait until he meets Eleanor Rigby.  We can double date.  It'll be a 'gas' as John would say.  In fact, perhaps I can get enough friends together for a party.  He'll love it."  Harvey smiled at the thought, "I'm a genius!  That boy doesn't realise how lucky he is to have me."

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End file.
